I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
