Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
