hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
