i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
