One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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