Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
