This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
