i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i want to swaddle you in tequila
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
