Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
