last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
