Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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