I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
