Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
