she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Blood and glitter go together right?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
