I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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