you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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