I think my vagina is haunted
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
