I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm sobbing to NWA
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
