where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
