this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
