a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
