True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
