guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Randomize
