i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
