i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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