I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Sober January is a disaster.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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