Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
