I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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