I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize