i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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