saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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