I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
operation have a gay friend backfired
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
