Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
