so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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