I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
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