the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize