I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
