I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
