so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
