I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
