So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
