My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
