mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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