Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
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