girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
