Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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