You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
