This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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