seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
