Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
