So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
