So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Randomize
