i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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