I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
