At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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