Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
