Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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