The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just want nice things and good sex
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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