Don't make out with my wife yet
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
