I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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