I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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