how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
