I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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