the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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