Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
