i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
