The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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