My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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