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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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